My sister went back to jail 52 days before I got married. Right after her ex-husband killed himself. The first time she got busted was the day before my senior year in high school (August 2004). And over the last 9 years, she has came home and went back so many times, they are too numerous for me to count.
Meth. Comparable to a giant sinkhole that just shows up one night when you are peacefully sleeping, and then BAM! your entire life is down in some dark hole and you can't seem to dig yourself out. Meth.
I am so resentful towards her for bailing out on me all the time. When your a little girl and you have a big sister, you look up to and idolize that person more than anyone else. But my sister choose meth. Or did meth choose her?
In August 2012, I got a phone call really early one morning before work because our mother thought she was high. She had been out of the regional punishment facility for about one year at this time, and I honestly didn't think she was using. And I ALWAYS knew when she was using. I asked my sister, and she denied every bit of it. But her denial, only confirmed it for me.
52 days before I got married, I got a phone call at 6:30am from my mom, crying hysterically. My heart dropped, my life was flashing before my eyes. I thought my sister had finally pushed it to far and died. But, thankfully, in a weird way, she went back to jail. And now she is a current ward of the state prison system in Newport, Arkansas.
Is prison a rehab facility? No. Is prison where a meth user should be? No. Do I honestly think that my sister should be sleeping no less than five feet away from a murderer? Absolutely not. But could my sister have potentially harmed and possibly killed innocent people with a mobile meth lab in the trunk of her car? Yes. And can I forgive her for that? Maybe, one day.
The mobile meth lab as the police called it, was just one of the multiple charges she has faced since 2004. There are so many, felonies & misdemeanors ,that I can not even count them. Who know that at 16 years old, I would learn more first hand sitting in a court room about our judicial system than any teacher could have ever taught me?
Which leads me back to resentment. I resent the bad choices that she has made and all of the things that she has missed out on. But last month, the parole board decided that it was okay for my sister to come home. So come November, she will move back into my mother's house, at 31 years old. While her 16 and 13 year old children, live with my grandparents who adopted them earlier this year. Resentment. (If your good at math, you just realized that my sister had her first child when she was 15. That was the first time I lost her. The girl who should have been helping me with my homework and walking me to school, became a mother. That is when my resentment began.)
I keep getting asked if I think that she will mess up again when she gets out. What am I supposed to say to this? No? But, with her wonderful track record, do I honestly think that no she wont? It's a hard question to be asked. If I say yes, have I lost all faith completely in her? Because that is how I feel, faithless when it comes to my sister.
Meth. Resentment.
The parole board told my family that this is her last chance. If she messes up again, she will face the rest of her life in prison. My first thoughts upon hearing this are that I don't want my sister to die in prison. So maybe I have no faith in her after all. But in less than three months, she will be back among us and all of the evil and all of the temptation will be once again knocking on her door.
Bad things happen to people, and while she has had her fair share of bad things happen, she needs to rehabilitate. She needs to learn that you can not turn to drugs or use them as your clutch when these things happen. She needs to learn to live without using any sort of substance. But I am unsure if this is possible for her. Is there a silver lining that I am just not seeing yet?
I am scared of my sister coming "home". I am scared for my sister, for her kids, for my mom, and for the rest of our family.
I resent her coming home, I resent myself for having those feelings, but most of all, I resent meth.
