A thousand miles.

Dear God, make me a bird. So I could fly far. Far, far away from here. I used to think this all the time when I was a little girl, after the first time that I had watched Forrest Gump. It wasn't that I hated my life, or hated my family, but I always felt like I was meant to be somewhere else, be someone else. This life has knocked me down so many times, has made me feel so inadequate, and frankly exhausted me. Something that some of you may know already, but most of you do not... is that I have severe PTSD, I suffer from anxiety and depression as well. This has caused me in my life to become an introvert. I get so worn out being around people and having to deal with them that it takes seriously every ounce of energy out of me. I get tired, I close myself off, I shake really bad, and I feel that it would be so much easier not to deal with them at all. I have a hard time making eye contact, I don't know what to do with my hands, and I never feel entirely comfortable around anyone. Mental illness is incredibly overlooked, while there has been a lot of progress made in this country, there will never be a complete understanding. This time last year, I had sunk into a very deep depression. I began cutting myself again, something that I hadn't done since high school, I talked to myself constantly about suicide, and a few others as well. No one understands the feeling that ending your life would make everyone else's life easier. I broke my husbands heart, my families hearts, and I sunk farther and farther every day. Then I woke up one day, and I didn't feel as bad as I had in a few months. So I put my notice in at my job, applied for jobs in Arkansas, and moved home. At this point, I realized that getting better was more important than trying to save a marriage, or protect someone else's heart. I had to protect my own. I didn't want to cut myself anymore, I didn't want to take pills every day to numb the pain, or drink until I passed out. I wanted to live my life. It's hard to live a life when you don't feel accepted or loved. It's hard to feel anything but pain. I look back to a year ago and where I was in my life and how happy I am that I have moved passed the people and things that made me feel the way that I did. People who make you feel pain are not worth your life. Don't end your life for anyone or anything. Change your circumstances, it may be hard, but it'll be the best thing you've ever done for yourself. Thank you Jesus for believing in me and giving my life a purpose that I can be proud of. Thank you for giving me a second chance with my family, my friends, my husband, who have all stood by me through this all. Please pray that whatever this heaviness is that is weighing me down tonight, is not the same thing I was struggling with last year. It's not something you can control, it's not something a shrink can help you fix. But with prayer, I do believe that God will help bring me through once again. I thank God every day for giving me a second chance. Don't miss yours.