A little unsteady.

On July 17th, at around 1230 in the morning Nate pointed out to me that I was bleeding, and I was like what? And so I went to the bathroom. And then I called my sister in law to come over and watch Lexi for us. We got back earlier that day from my MIL's house in Springfield. And we went to the ER, but I already knew. I felt it in my stomach. I could tell. To be completely honest, I knew when I woke up that day. I could suck in my belly, I didn't feel the same. But I didn't know for sure and I didn't want to say anything just in case I seemed crazy. I felt my heart shattering. I couldn't breathe. I could tell. I knew in that moment that we had lost our baby. The ER doctor was very nice to me, tried to tell me that a lot of people experience bleeding like this in their first trimester and it is not a miscarriage. But I knew she was wrong.=, there was no way that I was bleeding that much and that it was normal. I went from feeling pregnant to feeling empty. We lost our baby. That I wanted so badly and was so excited for. And my husband, held me. And cried with me. And supported me. And I fell even more in love with him than I had already been. Talk about a steady rock- he is my life. I live and breathe Nate. If you love me, don't let go. Hold on to me, cause I'm a little unsteady. A little unsteady. We made the mistake of telling our families. Or, what some would call a mistake. But, we wanted our families to be a part of every moment. After all, we have been trying for quite some time. And this wasn't our first loss, but definitely the deepest and hardest. Nate is my soulmate, my best friend, the love of my life. All I want is to begin our family together but God has decided it isn't time. We know there will be a time, and that it is out of our control as to when that may be. But, God's got this. Even if I was pretty mad, and heartbroken. See- Nate and I are both fixers. We like to help people, we like to help our families, we like to help the youth in our church, we like to be involved in our community, our families depend on us. Losing this baby was really difficult. It softened me even more, and I am already a heart on your sleeve kinda girl. I used to hate that about myself, but I have really embraced that at 30. Take it or leave it, it's who I am, and my best friends love me for it. One of my best friends had a baby shower the next weekend, I was shaking being there the entire time. I was "excused" from going, but my loss shouldn't affect my love for my friends and their happiness. So, I went. And it was healthy and good for me. I realized I was able to be happy for others even in my darkest hour. This isn't a woe is me post. This is a, what I thought was woe is me, is actually I am able to be happy post. See, we haven't given up hope. We are still trying to have a family, to make our family complete. God knows that Nate and I are supposed to be parents. We both know it as well. Tomorrow, I am hosting a baby shower for my sister in law. We were pregnant at the same time, and it was so exciting. And she has been my biggest comfort outside of Nate. She even offered to carry a baby for us (Nate thinks that's weird- I think it's selfless and kind). I was in the room with her when she heard her little man's heartbeat for the first time. It was crazy emotional and so damn beautiful. I am still struggling every day. Struggling that I am watching my friends not only have their first child, but their second, third, fourth. I am protecting my soul, protecting my heart, protecting myself from opening up and hurting again. Being a mom is all I want in this life. I want to be there when they wake up sick, when they wake up with a nightmare, when they take their first steps, hear them say mama or dada for the first time. Time doesn't heal all, y'all. I've been running from this. I hate that I feel inadequate as a woman, as a wife, and as a friend. I miss my baby, I miss feeling pregnant. I hate that I have a broken heart that nothing and no one can mend. Hold, hold on... hold on to me. Cause I'm a little unsteady. A little unsteady.